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Humor: FML July 2012 Edition

July 31, 2012

I often find daily life to be quite difficult. For instance, today I had to drag myself to a dental appointment which took literally forever due to a traffic accident, then sit through getting my teeth and gums scraped to bits, and then, on my way back home, I was crossing a bridge to get away from another traffic accident when I swerved to avoid a man standing in the middle of the road who turned out to be a policeman who then pulled me over and gave me an enormous ticket. Wtf? FML.

And so, this reminded me that I have not yet posted an FML edition for July! The month of sweltering heat, independence, and…hmmm. FML’s about weight, body image, food, exercise?!

Amen.

  • Today, I decided to get some exercise for the first time in months. I went to the store and bought a brand new bicycle and all the necessary paraphernalia. I drove a half hour to a bike trail, unloaded the bike, and started riding. 10 feet later, the chain snapped. FML.
  • Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said “no fat chicks.” My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML.
  • Today, I realized that the only part of my body that has had a reduction from in size from changing my diet and working out isn’t my stomach or my thighs but my already undersized breasts. FML.
  • Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an “innie” or an “outie.” My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn’t remember. FML.
  • Today, I got scared by my own leg fat.
  • Today, the lady running the pastry shop asked who I buy the second pastry for every day. I lied and told her that it’s for a coworker. I eat them both. FML.
  • Today, I was babysitting a three year old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I’m just fat. Twice. FML.
  • Today, my girlfriend made a delicious birthday breakfast, and she said there would be a surprise at the end. Today is not my birthday, it’s her ex’s. FML.
  • Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML.
  • Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d’oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML.
  • Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said “No.” Then she started to eat the dessert. FML
  • Today, I was at my boyfriend’s house for dinner with his family. His mom cooked up a steak dinner, except that I’m a vegan, but trying to be a good girlfriend, I forced it down. Upon his mother finding out I was a vegan, she called me “disloyal to my beliefs.” FML.
  • Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with “Now get back to making sandwiches,” your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML.
  • Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML.

Life is rough, huh? Luckily we have music and other such wonderful things to make it that much more tolerable. And this months song? Ladytron–Tomorrow. Enjoy!

 

(Image courtesy of Zazzle)

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